Hey, young blood, I see your burning desire and craving. You want all the respect and attention, the applause, to be the best thing since sliced bread, to be WOKE. I’ve got you. Helping folks like you is my speciality.
The first thing to know about being woke is that it’s all about APPEARANCE. Yeah, APPEARANCE. It has nothing to do with reality, so there is no need to fake it until you make it – just keep faking it. Take notes because, trust me, this won’t be an exciting read.
Being woke is complicated. Before I dive into that, add “complicated” to your vocabulary; it’s your get-out-of-jail card. Back to my point, being woke means being complicated. You can’t afford to be simple and mundane. Maintain an air of mystery – people are most fascinated by what they don’t understand. When introducing yourself, avoid boring terms and clichés. Instead, say something sophisticated or mysterious. Find solace in the various isms and ists like idealism, existentialism, minimalism, essentialism, etc. You don’t need to know what they mean; few ask anyway, and if they do, say it’s complicated. Remember, “complicated” is your escape route, especially when cornered.
Being woke is about disagreeing, always. Be a contrarian, reject popular opinions, and oppose them just for the sake of it. Don’t be ordinary and lost in the crowd—no need to assess the merits of a position or argument. Demand tolerance from others but offer nothing but tolerance in return. Allow free speech, but be ready to cancel anyone with differing opinions. Don’t tolerate dissenting views. If someone doesn’t match your vibes, cut them off; your mental health is crucial. When people preach morals to you, deflect with liberalism and relativism. When you make mistakes, blame abstract things like OCD or PTSD. You can even claim Bipolar disorder or blame zodiac signs and horoscopes.
Be apolitical. When asked about politics or elections, claim you have no opinion. Instead, assert that social issues like LGBTQ rights, climate change, racism, and others are what matter to you. Ignore local issues in your community and focus on international ones. Speak on Twitter spaces and join trending hashtags like justice4thisandthat, but it’s okay to be a terrible person in real life—no need to walk your talk.
Remember, your pontifications are not binding. Speak against capitalism but secretly admire the elegant suits and gowns of multinational CEOs or their lavish lifestyles. Pontificate about socialism while enjoying music that glorifies power, money, and hedonism. Your feminism can coexist with indifference to the objectification of women in music videos you enjoy, just like my Facebook friend whose bio reads “Pansexual, Sapiosexual, Irreligious, Feminist, and Humanist.” She speaks passionately about equality, male domination, and abortion. Still, she’s far from independent in real life – living off her boyfriend, verbally and physically abusing him, and engaging with wealthy men in Abuja. It doesn’t matter if you preach pan-Africanism and claim Great Fela as your patron; your meals will feature Pizza, Shawarma, Punch, Popcorn, Pie, and the like at your reading clubs and nights out.
Finally, being woke is to be utterly hedonistic. Life is pleasure, and pleasure is life. Be as irresponsible as you want as long as you live on your terms. Forget boundaries, conventions, and norms. Accountability is a prison, a prison for people who are blind. When you’ve indulged your desires to the fullest and discover you’ve alienated essential people in your life, leaving you empty of love and happiness, you’ll realize you were never woke. You were blind all along. So, young blood, do you want to be woke or SENSIBLE?