So I was watching Shadowhunters the other day and although I have read all six Mortal Instrument Books and am currently in the third season of the show, I only just wondered why Clary is so into Jace. I mean sure, he is cute and the protagonist bad boy of the show (whatever that means) but he sure seems emotionally unavailable. As I thought about it some more, I found that there are many shows with this theme. On these shows, the couples end up together and the guys almost always change their ways for the ladies but that’s not real life. In real life, things can get pretty dark.
This tangent brought me to the question: why are women sometimes drawn to the messed up, emotionally unavailable bad boy types? Okay, so that was a real question. One I don’t have an answer to. So I took the liberty of researching and here are some of the reasons I found:
I Can Fix Him
In an article by life.com, ‘some women allow their nurturing instinct to seep into their love lives. According to this article, these women know that their boyfriend and in some cases, their husband is emotionally unavailable but they have come to believe that they can or are the ones who were meant to fix him; show him how to love. This woman in fact comes to find some significance in this role. As this article goes on to point out, it is impossible to fix anyone. A person can only change if he/she comes to the decision themselves.
The Emotional Chase
In an article by psychologytoday.com, women who fall for men that are emotionally unavailable ‘have some profound insecurities and self-esteem issues, and they invest so much in pursuing unavailable men with the following unconscious motive: If the unavailable man finally comes around and commits, they’ll—at long last—have proof that they are worthy.’ This article also goes on to point out that women who find themselves in these relationships should stop trying to change themselves to fit what they think the man wants. They should instead work on shifting their focus to their own emotional needs. And I’m no psychologist but I’m almost certain daddy issues play a big role in this problem.
Emotional Unavailability in the Woman
So this last point comes from a lady’s comment on quora.com and it was so interesting and insightful I just had to share it. Ashley Mintz said,
‘We attract and are attracted to people on the same emotional level as us. So, perhaps, in this case, he would want someone who will give him excessive attention without having to do much; someone overly giving. What happens is that women who are attracted to unavailable men will chase these men and try to get more out of them…time, attention, affection…but it’s so much that the woman becomes unavailable to herself because she’s too focused on the man. An emotionally healthy woman might attract an emotionally unavailable man but she would notice something amiss and not stick around long.’
I have to say that Ms Ashley has given me a whole new perspective on this issue. I will definitely think more deeply about this but before I close out, I have to stress something: a woman suffering through a relationship should not be encouraged. It is not an accomplishment. Let me say it louder for those at the back: A WOMAN SUFFERING THROUGH A RELATIONSHIP IS NOT AN ACCOMPLISHMENT. Now that we’ve cleared that misconception, I would love to hear from you about this topic. Feel free to comment below or reach out to me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
PS: the links within the post lead to the original articles. Feel free to click on them to read more 🙂
Last modified: April 14, 2021